Amid doom-scrolling and witnessing the end of times, there has been a silver lining of distraction. A single detail that has left me fixated and kept me up at night. After binging the four-part Beckham documentary on Netflix, it is crystal clear no man can hold a candle to David Beckham because no one cleans it like he can.
Please excuse me as I ramble on for 500 or so words to give this topic the same attention David Beckham offers his glistening countertops. Frankly, it still won't be enough, and I may have to enroll back in school and dedicate a Ph.D. thesis on the matter. The documentary covers his 20-year football career, including the UEFA Champions League, that famous kick, blah, blah, blah. All outstanding achievements, but none outshine how this man keeps a home.
This Man Can Keep a Home
I care little for sports, but I am a fan of the Posh and Becks brand. This is the couple that wore purple outfits at their wedding, and that photo of David kneeling to Victoria as he gazes smolderingly at the camera will live in my brain's archives until the end of time. Don't even get me started on when he wore a sarong. So, I tuned in for their iconic '90s style and admired his relentless dedication to football, which ignited a national pride in England as Michelangelo's David did for Florence.
Now, back to the most important scene from the documentary. Beckham tells the camera that he trims the wicks of candles every night and removes the black smoke from the jars. I had to hit pause and allow this information to seep into my being. Dear reader, do you know how hard it is to clean smoke from glass? One cannot simply wipe it with a tissue and voila! It sticks and needs the reinforcements of an alcoholic wipe. I could not get the mental image of England's Champion procuring the appropriate solvent to keep his Diptyque pristine out of my mind.
I once thought of my apartment as clean, only now I realize I've been one of those prisoners chained in Plato's cave, and this savior has come to show me the light. I took inventory of my squalor—candles untrimmed, let alone disinfected, and I sometimes go to bed with a pile of dishes in the sink left to "soak." It is precisely these low standards set for myself that have prevented me from becoming a football superstar.
Masculine, Athletic, and Beautifully Groomed
The thing is, I can't recall a single cis man who keeps a home in a way that truly inspires. He approaches tidying up with the same relentless passion he gave to perfecting his kick. It would spark joy in Marie Kondo herself (sidebar: after having her third child, our Queen of Declutter confessed she has a messy home, which would not have been the case had she had a partner as dedicated as Beckham). More than that, his motivation to create beautiful spaces seems to stem from a need to bring his family together to enjoy moments. He cooks while his family eats and dances, and when they all go to bed, he cleans up after them like he's covering up a crime. Here is a representation of a different kind of man: masculine, athletic, and beautifully groomed. His hair alone is a just cause to launch a thousand ships.
To be clear, David Beckham, like everyone else, is not perfect. He admits to having an affair and putting Victoria through public embarrassment while moving her around multiple countries to service his career. But being ManServant material is not about achieving a standard of perfection. Gentlemen make mistakes; when that occurs, they do what it takes to make it right with their partner. With most things in their life airing so publicly, this matter is their private business, and they seem to have worked it out and appear more unified than ever. As anyone who follows their Instagram accounts may attest—the Posh and Becks brand is as strong and relevant as ever.
A Domestic God
Along with David Beckham's trophies, we would like to engrave another with 'Domestic God.' We've seen countless documentaries of iconoclasts who dedicate their lives to a single passion, but rarely do we see them putting the same effort into their home lives. While Victoria is out getting facials, our David puts objects back where they belong, like a goddamn hero. He cooks, cleans, makes honey, and folds clothes like it's an art form. His kitchen looks unused, and he plans outfits a week in advance. David, if you weren't real, we would have had to carve you out of marble.